Saturday, July 30, 2005

Books for Dummies


Husband: You mean I can send email to my son and he will write back?
Wife: Yes, he will write why didn't you respond earlier.
Husband: Because I am not here!

at 4:15

Mr. I Gotta Motor asks if it is 4:30 yet?
Nope, you have 15 minutes.
Oh, I gotta motor--- lunchtime!

I pay taxes

And I am upset- people outside are using the king's English!


Man reads off website: wwwwwwww (about ten times).

My husband...

used to write irate letters to the editors. And I was the editor.

Save it for someone who cares

Woman raves and raves about how wonderful the genealogy liberry is. Then why not go there instead of here?

Call #

Here's the call #; do you think you can find it?
No, I'm from Missouri. You need to show me!

Friday, July 29, 2005

Name that word

Caller- I'm looking for a word (probably not shill) that describes a person who spends a lot of time in political online forums. They might be a leftist but pretend to be a conservative to give them a bad name.

Since I have NO IDEA I passed it on to my colleague; he will call her tomorrow. He likes projects like that.

Solution: Ask Marian!

Mr. No Problem Arabic Man

Nursing class, free, no problem? When computer class, what day, what time?

Not until October.

Further Friday Funnies

Do you have the newspaper from way across the country? Why not?


And why won't you burn the music CD for me?
Copyright issues.


Can I ask you a question? Do you have any new Indian books? Where? Are you mad at me? I'm sorry about this, I apologize. Are you gonna kick me out of the liberry?


Can we print, like, stuff?


Complaint: The guy in the red shirt has his fly unzipped and is walking around looking at young girls. I go over there with a colleague and tell his guardian. She responds, he just came from the restroom, do you have a problem with that?


A case of elder abuse that made the way to the director's office--- Our kid's liberrian asked an older man to please move his huge suitcase out of the walkway.


A condescending high school girl: Do you have the book about Anastasia?
Me (thinking it = a YA series): Do you know the author, is it a series?
Girl: You mean to tell me you don't know the story of Anastasia?
Me: I guess I don't know it. Can you please tell me?
Girl: Huge sigh- summarizes it for me, completely annoyed.

Sorry, I learn new things every day just like you, or do you know everything? I should have asked her to graph a parabola.



Across the Sea of Suns

For Larry,
A most beautiful entity. May the Light of the Universal Peace always be with you.
Love and Light,
Sept. 88

so far, so good

I've done my best to avoid Mr. I Can't Read. I wouldn't mind him so much if it weren't for that shrill scream!

Friday Fun

Guy with half mast eyes is always so so so happy. I wish I knew what meds he's on. Anyway, he walks up to the desk with the issue of Teen People and says, I'm so happy to see you, will you shake my hand? Then will you help me get on He returns to the desk- where did he go? Is he coming back? All right!


Do you have Jane Stravonivich? (Janet Evanovich).


What's it cost for a kid's replacement card?
2 dollars.
Damn, I can see it being like a dollar.


Tattoo Guy: I was looking into my mom's old notebooks and stuff and she was into some pretty weird stuff. What is kinesiology and kirlian photography? I was only like 2 or 3 when I went to see a doctor for it. And do you have The Three Billy Goats Gruff?

Yes, we have it in German, French, Spanish, and believe it or not, English!


I want to find an article from the 70's.
Do you have the date?
I have no idea.
Then it will be like searching for a needle in a haystack.


12-31-99- I still remember that night and how amazing it was to comprehend we're in a new millennium, and here we are, five years later. Wow. Well, let me tell you the story (of the microfilm I'm looking for): I'm the result of an affair...


We used to think the old man in the white hat was somewhat normal until he came to the desk to tell my colleague (Thank God not me) a dirty joke.

Thankful no espanol

Sometimes I'm thankful I don't speak Spanish. Yesterday a guy wandered up to the desk to talk to my colleague: Donde biblioteca? This is it, you are in it? I don't have time for you. (He wanted a Bible).


Another day a woman cried while she told my colleague how her sister had her pet hamster locked in a shed and wouldn't give her the key.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Love my job?

Love my job? Posted by Picasa

Human Search Engine

Human Search Engine Posted by Picasa


Security guard told me you have registration packets for all the local high schools.

Napoleon Dynamite

You guys open at 10, right?
Well that is a long time before the sun comes up.
Hopefully I'll get here before 7 or 8.
You better, because we close at 5.
Then I'll try to make it before 4:59. Hahahaha.

No legal books

We don't have any books that would belong in the law liberry. So, I sent a woman down to the law liberry- she had less than an hour to get downtown before 6. She said, that's ok, I'll just send my husband on his motorcycle.

I Made It!


Westerns = the old man genre. I'm weeding them and most of them were published before I was born in the 70's. This one called Halter-Broke by John Reese has some writing in it: a very wierd (underlined 2x) story.

And Sodbuster by Gary McCarthy was (same handwriting) excellent.

I've decimated about 1/2 of the collection, and I think the guy initialed every one he read. Along with comments usually.

Under Pressure

  • "I'm official now, I just got my card!"
  • Control-alternate-p is print, right? I don't remember alt.
  • Irony: Lost/Found: A set of brand new calligraphy pens; I don't even want to go there.
  • Creep gives me a yellow flower.
  • Max- do you have any napkins?
  • Girl- Do you have any kleenex?
  • Where's your colleague, tell him he is a genius!
  • I can't find 188 pages call number.
  • Can you design my business card? I want to make the first letter real noticeable, it is a V.
  • How much longer do I have to wait?
  • I can't do the Yahoo email sign up. It says something about a validation code or something?
  • I want to print my resume on this special paper.
  • Somebody = heaving; where = hand sanitizer?
  • I missed the 911 call for the seizure.
  • Yes we do have a lot of new Indian books, they just might be checked out. Are you mad at me? I'm not mad. I'm sorry, I apologize.
  • Please turn off your cell phone or take it outside. Then the woman throws it down and screams relax, calm down. Who is under pressure?
  • Two three year olds come in with ginormous water guns. Seriously, ginormous.
  • While I'm eating my cheese sandwich at a local cafe a couple come in and say, hey, there's the cool liberrian. Let me tell you about the downtown branch with reservations, sign ups. It is chaos. I tell ya, it really does something to the liberrian's heads. Seriously, it goes downhill so fast!

Personal shopper

Last Xmas a guy asked me where he could buy a pair of quality wool gloves for his dad. I said the only 2 places I know are Eddie Bauer and Nordstrom.

Never too young, I guess

A mother put her sleeping baby in the carseat on one of our carts!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Wacky Liberrian

My mom gave me this pin!

wacky book woman Posted by Picasa


button Posted by Picasa


I have no idea what I did for this lady, but I'm happy to know my work was appreciated!
tx Posted by Picasa

6-8 RefGrunt

  • It's cute when someone returns the stubby pencil and/or scrap paper.
  • Do you have Dance Music, the one where it goes she begs, she begs, she moves? Asks and sings over and over and over... Do you have CD burner where I can download music? Why, how come, why?
  • There ya go, someone hacked into that one for ya. Can you check the networking? They said I can stay later to do my prints, and if you have a problem with that, you can go talk to her. (at-ti-tude!)
    • Later I hear she wants to take this up with my supervisor. Okay lady...

Reasons Marian doesn't need to feel homesick

Note to readers: Marian works at HQ and feels quite homesick for all the madness. Here's today's events:

  • I want a phone book of city X (far far away) - just the unlisted numbers. I've seen it before. Well, here's the number for Santa and the Tooth Fairy, let me find Shrek.
  • Mr. Ebay guy who always requires about 500 personal reminders that his time is up is a little slow on the concept of saving a picture to a disc. Time and time again, I say, minimize the window, no, that is the little minus sign in the top corner, third from the end, open word or publisher, highlight it, go under edit, copy, paste. Go under file, hit save as, find the a:\ drive, that is the floppy, put the floppy in, . . . SO ANNOYING!
  • Guy who has never touched a computer before wants a free credit report. I show him the page that he needs to fill out. He fills out the parts (not the email, that's another hour of my time setting that up) and before he presses submit he just prints it, expecting the credit report to magically appear. I come over and try to "help" by reading: your time has expired, try signing in again on page one. Another instance of the beauty of timeout software, if we ever get it!
  • Large woman screams to her soon to be ex-boyfriend: you have no patience!
  • I want books in Spanish about how to make masks.
  • I want to find the will online. You won't be able to find that. You mean even a will of a dead person? Why? How about a living trust, can you find that?
  • I want the yellow pages of Panama City.
  • 12:01 [The summer reading raffle tickets were due at 12:00] Girl comes to the desk- did I win?
  • My hands are numb, I can't type. If you wanna die, go to the hospital. That will do it. Do you have that book by Robert Ringer called How to Win by Intimidation? I tell ya, he is smart. He tells you how people steal from you even when they say they aren't. Do you have anything by Michael Savage? Do you listen to him on the radio? He's a smart guy, he thinks liberalism is a mental disorder. Liberals are gonna ruin the country because they come across the border. I just got my card in the nick of time before it went bad. (What was it going to do, explode, rot?). Anyway, those are interesting and timely books. You know how the politics goes... They are not giving you guys enough money (RIGHT ON), they are taking the money away from the liberry, aren't they. We're being over run by aliens. I gotta get on the politican's ass, that's why I had a stroke.
  • My husband is incarcerated in another state, and I need his CDC number. He's been in jail forever.
  • Oh it is called spam, you say?
  • Our LII who promoted to LIII's theory: Call the boys gentleman and maybe they will act the part!
And stay tuned for the 6-8pm madness. Marian, be thankful you aren't here!


Can I have the book with the postal service exam? I need a high paying job because I'm going to be a dentist. I see you every day, what is your name?

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


A guy listed in the sex offender database asked the security guard you hiring?

Tues. nite RefGrunt

Deaf boys = being ridiculously loud because they are upset their internet time is OVER.
Mr. Seeeeee ya later wants an ink pen and a magnifying glass. He always uses the pen once and throws it away- "no good."
Internet fight erupts: No, no, no buddy, there's a line. Well sorrrrrry!
Which ISP do I call to get it at home? Just call?

If you don't

If you don't really have the internet, you are a dinosaur, right?

Poor guy.

Today's Hot Request = Indian books

Woman: Do you have Indian books with pictures of chiefs? Well it doesn't need to have a picture of a chief, you know, Indians? Can you help me work the copy machine? You know, this is only my second time I've came here. I used to be a liberrian when I was in high school, tenth grade.


and Mr. Indian Book man- Did you throw away all the Indian books in the trash? Where are they? You know what people do, they take a pencil and scribble all over. What do you want me to do about that? Will you kick me out of this bookstore?

Monday, July 25, 2005

Ozzy Osbourne fan

This guy who always comes in wearing a bike helmet requests books on how to play the guitar as well as biographies and DVD's about Ozzy Osbourne- it's a given. Last year my colleague printed off a DVD title from Amazon and asked the OO guy if he wanted us to order it. They filled out the pile of paperwork: name, address, liberry card number, phone number, favorite color. Then my colleague gave the OO guy a copy of the request. The OO guy responded, you better keep it; I know you will forget.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Present from our LIII

Posted by Picasa

a cute kid

A little kid (who probably doesn't read) always likes to "wequest" DVD's about wrestling. A group of not so cute kids (recently hit the brat teen stage) used to request all the movies about Bruce Lee & Jackie Chan.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

a trend that won't "roll" by quickly enough-

Those shoes slash hidden rollerskates that every kid wears these days-

File under: Only Me

Sat AM, I went to get my hair cut. This chatty woman from Moscow named Natasha cut it. She said, how old are you, and I exaggerated, 29. She said, oh, you so young. The reason I ask, my son just graduate from the high school. He a sportsman.

I should have said just shut up and cut!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Tales from our LIII

There's an old man at branch X who uses the library as a cool zone. He is there all day, every day. Wednesday he kept going outside every ten minutes to check the thermometer, then he'd come back in and announce in a loud voice, "It's 114 degrees out there!" "It's still 114 degrees out there!" "Now it's 115 degrees out there!" Finally we had to tell him to stop opening the door and letting the air conditioning out!

At branch Y a woman and her daughter asked why we don't have "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" in the library system. I told them we do have it. They insisted we don't. We did the do too, do not thing for a while, then I typed it into the catalog and turned the monitor around to show them. The daughter said, "I TOLD you it wasn't spelled P-H-I-N-E-X!!

A member of the FOL at branch Z whispered to me, "This is your lucky day - we've got the next best thing to Robert Redford in the Community Room! Come join us!" Turns out it was a lemon nut cake!!!

Reactions to the recent reorganization of supervising librarians:

Branch 1: Aren't you happy you get to keep us?!
Branch 2: Are you OK with this?
Branch 3: How could they do this to us?!
Branch 4: Remember everyone, don't get attached to this one until we find out if we get to keep her!!

the irony

It's quite ironic that I work at this public liberry. See, before I went off to liberry school to study everything that helps me with my daily interactions, I told myself, self, you will work in a museum, archive, or university liberry. But definitely NOT this one particular liberry. So what happened? I did internships @ academic, museums, & archives. I even cataloged in an archive after I earned my degree that helps me so much every day. But I realized it is quite boring to work in a garage like setting in a damp basement. So, I interviewed for this entertaining position, and here I am! Wouldn't trade this job for the world:)

Thursday, July 21, 2005

What = you doing?

Mr. Seeeeeee ya later / Gotta Split / Gotta Motor was shaving his beard in the men's room. One of the techs asked him what he was doing, and he said I got a court order to shave my beard off because they said I have lice.

did you join

Did you join our reading program?

Mom- I really wanted to have him join, but I don't like the theme of it: dragons. My other kids always joined too.

I need help

This is my catalog code, how much can I save?

I don't know, it looks like you need to log into your account.

Account, hhhhhhh. Excuse me. I need help! Can you check this number for me? How you do it, check. How? It said go here. No no no no no. Hurry, check the code. So I have to check. (Now she is bothering other patrons). Check your coupon code below, that's all I have to do, how I do it. It say check your code online today, check your coupon code below. How I do it? Where is it, here? What I do? What else I do? Try it, you not sure? If I don't know... here- find your coupon code, see. I just want to see how much I save. Small then forget it. Can you fill that code? That's why I come here, so I can check any, cause I not have computa. SHIT. I come here, waste my time. Huge sigh... shit. The library people more stupid.

Seeeeeeeee ya later!

So what time is it anyway? What's going on over there? I knew I'd find it, Indonesia, right in front of my face. I knew I'd find it sooner or later. Seeeeeeeeee ya later, dinner time!


Yes I will seeeeeeeeeeee ya later as I get a 4 day weekend. Haven't had a "vacation" since October, and that didn't count as a vacation really, more of a disaster- a visit to a city I never care about visiting again, unless I could live in the museum of course.

Not in this collection

Do you have technical manuals for dentists, about how dentures are made?

5 internets empty

And the woman comes to ask did that person get up and leave or can I use that one?


delightful breath of fresh air

Local history curmudgeon = here on this hundred degree day; I wonder what we'll argue about today?


So I walk by and he says, excusme, what is going on over there?

I say it is our literacy center, it should open in about 10 days.

You mean it is just going to stay open for 10 days?

No, the librarian should have it set up and ready to go in ten days.

Oh, you have that much activity going on here, huh?

Um, yeah, I shifted the ENTIRE reference collection just so we could open the center for ten days. Really.


Max strolls by- Hey Amy... Do you have computer classes? So in an hour you know how to work it? Hey, where's your cute little blonde friend.

She doesn't work here any more (lucky one).

Oh, that is very sad. At least you are still here, someone to talk to.

10 minutes later-
Amy, I didn't think I'd see you here, I thought you quit! (I only wish).

A line I can't stand...

You are the reference liberrian, that is why I'm asking!

Another service we don't provide

This was a TDD call where someone translated, so there were long pauses after everything I said. OK...
The psychologist of the woman's son recommends that he stops playing video games and finds some interaction. He is very intelligent. He needs an emotional outlet to interact. This is his Spring break. The psychiatrist says he needs interaction, he doesn't have enough to do.

He can come to the movie today or the programs next Wednesday for Summer Reading.

You're gonna keep him busy, right? You're not just gonna show him... he'd be bored with that! You need to keep his attention, he needs interacting. Would you call him and convince him that he needs to come to the library? My psychiatrist said you would...

Hmmm... how am I gonna get him there, just bring him to the bus stop? You don't understand. Are you going to talk to the children or what? Do they have to sign up or something? You don't understand.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

yell phone-

Oh hey sonny, I'm at the liberry. You're at Boomers? Who are you there with? Maybe I'll stop by after I leave the liberry.

can't stand noises

I am going to lose it: this guy has been crinkling his candy wrapper for the past 30 minutes!

Me no can help

Guy wants me to show him how to set up MSN chat. He says no can do. Me say me no can help...

Several Times

I told the UG several times today his TIME = UP but he doesn't care. Now he's having a heated discussion with the security guard about why he deserves more time and it isn't fair.

No hoops here

Boys, please take the basketball outside, would you?


Do you have any books that list names for dogs?

and the point of that would be...

Do you have a phone book from 2002?


The old man came to the desk to tell us that he lives near a big party school, 14 students to a house. Friday nights are like Sodom and Gomorrah. But I always found he county system to be superior to the city in all things. Lots of integrity.

Stay cool

So I told this woman to stay cool, since it is hotter than HELL... She said, I'll make you envious, I'm going home to Sweden!

I know how she feels because my sister used to have a shirt that said It's hard to be humble when you're Swedish!

so much respect

Patrons pay us so much respect, it blows me away. Today I made my announcement about internet time and an old lady said I just love it how they all stand up and leave!

Not Guilty

Old Man: There's a woman with a bunch of kids - they are really loud, and she is on her cell phone. I asked her if she could please be quiet, and she told me to shut up and mind my own business.

So I went over there and asked her to please be quiet. She said she just got here. Yeah right!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

You are too loud

You are too loud, walking around and telling everyone their time is over. You are disrupting me!

Mathematically Challenged

My favorite microfiche machine requires exact change: fifteen cents. I tell the guy to get some change and he does. Then he deposits a quarter in the slot. I don't think he deserves change, do you?

New Book Arrived Today

A new book arrived today: Dealing With People You Can't Stand. Quite appropriate for this setting.


My dad went up there and he plays money games; he does pretty well at it.

Now that's a good one

Caller: Do you have city directories from 1940 on?


C: Hey, that's pretty good!

Arabic Citizenship Videos

Man wants videos / tapes / but not books on US citizenship in Arabic. My colleague pours through the database and finds one we'll need to order. She keeps looking and looking for an eternity. Finally the guy says, nevermind, that's ok, but my colleague insists he wait until she finds something. Good for her!

Complete EEJIT

Guy who reeks of smoke asks me if I found his keys. No, I didn't. He says, that's ok, I usually lock my keys in the car five six times a week, but I have AAA so it is no problem. He continues, my little baby Geo talks to me. Today she said, hey you idiot, where are the keys? I won't go anywhere without the keys!

Dripping in sweat

Guy dripping in sweat asks how he can listen to music online. (Sidenote: I will NEVER use headphones to listen to music in a public place after I've seen who uses them here). I tell him I don't know.

Then he pulls out a large container for McDonald's fries and wants me to show him how he can "win."

Friday, July 15, 2005


Nothing to blog for this weekend- I'm still recovering from the calligraphy disaster so I had to call in sick!

Not a service we provide

Do you have a Windows 98 taboot disc?

Why I can't / won't / will never return my books...

  • I was in jail; here are my booking papers.
  • The cops searched my house; I can't go in it until it is secure.
  • I am using them to prop up my coffee table.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Timeout Software still a dream

I come from a generation where we respect people. So I only stay for 30 min. I don't have a thick skin, and I'm irritated because you guys keep reminding people to leave.

"Calligraphy Class" disaster

Today my "calligraphy class" was a complete disaster. Too many people came- old men, young men, girls that were not men at all... and I didn't have enough pens. Some of my knitting students came with questions from that day. When am I going to do that class again? Never. I thought this one would be easy, but yeah right. One woman was angry because she took time off from work (a bridal business) because she thought she was going to learn brush calligraphy. And the background noise:

So, do you make your o's in one stroke or two? Am I holding the pen right? What do I do, I'm left handed... (a nightmare).

I was rushing around setting up extra tables and chairs, trying to improvise with other markers, but couldn't please the crowd. I kept thinking that I could go home after this mess, then realized I am here for three more hours... Not my day! It = all character building anyway.


Caller- Do you know the Latin word for gadfly.

I can find it. Is this for a crossword puzzle?

C- You are funny. No, this is for a username.

Lyrics / Score

I need the lyrics and piano music for "Old Bones" by Jez Low.

Would you?

If you owned a 12 cylinder car that cost $150000+, would you be a do-it-yourselfer type of guy?

It's not here anyway...

Caller- I just wanted to let you know that my 3 kids aren't going to be able to make it to the Yu-Gi-Oh tournament today.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

My Favorite Customer

Why = this guy my favorite customer? Because he comes up with the most impossible questions but just laughs. Initially my colleague was helping him, but when it was time for her to leave I took over. (After I recovered from practically crying from laughing in the office).

He's a citizen of the Congo and wants to travel to China, Papua New Guinea, and Malaysia. In fact, he is leaving in 3 days for China, but thought it would be free. Complete surprise that a visa et al would be required. My colleague defines travel agent and he just laughs and laughs, but she is so professional and serious- the best!

He explains the embassy doesn't take phone calls, and laughs some more. Then randomly talks about people walking around naked and how he was offended. More laughs. Then he asks me if I remember his point how it is never stupid to ask questions. If you don't ask the question, then you will feel stupid. Oh yes.

More Kids These Days


How boring

How incredibly boring would that be to spend a beautiful summer day (every day really) reading the biography database? That's what the woman does who pushes the empty wheelchair around everywhere.


Where is Mr. Hotcakes, Kissy Kissy? I've seen his group, but he hasn't been here for about a week. He'll show up eventrually, maybe he is on vacation.

No time

No time to wonder why the entire SWAT team is in the parking lot outside. Complete uniforms, helmets, ... hopefully they were just practicing.

Mr. Indian Book Man

He brings an old book to the desk and says I didn't do it, I didn't do it, I will pay for it. Are you mad at me? Don't hit me, don't hit me!


Are you having fun yet?


You know that this is the fun and the real work starts when you get home, right?

Um, no.

a grandma

Do you have that book called American Beauty I think? It's about a woman who worked for a company and fell in love with her boss. She poisoned her husband then went to the store and bought a rose and threw the petals around his dead body. The boss went to Australia. The people at the grocery store figured out she was the murderer. Don't you remember that story?

I am happy today

Mr. Indian Book Man- Guess why I am so happy today? I am so happy, guess why? I looked in the Indian books and they put my name on it with a heart. I didn't even know. Is that bad? I didn't mean to bother you.

Mom with 5th grader

Do you have the large print edition of Johnny Tremain? He lost his lenses.

Then take him to the doctor to get them replaced. Poor kid!


Woman- I came before he (child) did.

OK, then I'll have to ask him to wait in line.

W- No, he is my son.

Then why don't you work it out amongst yourselves?

Not only books

One guy found a teenage babysitter to watch his daughter. They exchanged phone numbers. I think that's a little sketchy to find someone in the public liberry to trust with a child. God only knows who is here.

Nothing I can do to fix it

Sorry folks, hotmail is down again!

More Diving

Do you have books on diving, scuba diving? Once I get my seizures under control I want to learn to go under water. But first things first.

Beautiful Dream

It was a sad morning to wake up and realize that throwing the microfilm and microfiche machines out the window was just a dream:(

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


I just found this book in the dumpster by the bus stop. Smell it, does it smell?

I don't think so.

Neither do I.


There's a kid here who seriously looks like he could be Eddie Haskell. Same eyes. Unbelievable!


So can I use my card from my neighborhood peewee liberry?

Do you have a card with us? Are you a resident of this state?


Then, no!
Will you call the other liberry and ask how long I will have to wait for the internet?

Chemistry / Physics

So is there any proof / pictures of protons, neutrons, or electrons or is it all just mathematical speculation?


What are the rules for living in an adult assisted living home? Like, are they allowed to kick me out? The woman actually cussed me out over the phone. The manager even told them they do not have the right to call 911. I took him to the ER yesterday and the social worker flat out told me he is way overmedicated. I tell you what- that woman is not going to win. I will get her, I will get her!

What's that sound?

Oh nothing, just some book banging in the electrical room.


Do you have any books on diving? Once I get my seizures under control I can take lessons. (Tiptoes to the books).

Mr. Indian Man

He picks up 2 mystery books on the table and tells me the "titles"

Girl on Swing
Porch with Me


Please pray for the recipient of the bouquet of pink carnations from the sleazy sex offender.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Why call to ask me?

Caller- I've been looking in the phone book for over an hour and I can't find your phone number.

You'd need to look in the blue section- government pages.

I have been for the last hour. I want you to look in your phone book and tell me what page it is on.

OK, I am looking in the July 2005 edition of the white pages on page 11 in the first column.

No, I want to know what page it is on in the July 2004 edition.

I don't have that edition, but it would be in the blue government pages section. Why don't you come in tomorrow and I'll show you where to look.

(I won't be here tomorrow so someone else can help this grouch).


Why aren't these computers working?


Why isn't the AC working?


Yes, I need to send an email to my friend overseas, what is involved in that?

[Well, you need your passport, and just $50 is all.]
Do you have email?

Yes, Outlook.

10 of the 19

10 / 19 internets are down today... I love it how everyone has suggestions:

Will you start a sign up sheet?
Is it a virus or some'em?
Why can't they fix it, huh?
This doesn't look like good news.


Max strolls in: This is the cool zone, right, ha ha ha, the cool zone. (Sings it)- This is the cooo-ool zone!

Just for Mr. I Can't Read

Yet another classic

Classic Posted by Picasa


Yes! Posted by Picasa

Quite Appropriate

Appropriate Posted by Picasa

I mean it!

Your time is up! Posted by Picasa


Yesterday... Posted by Picasa

Mrs. Kahm

Mrs. Kahm Posted by Picasa

Graduate from my class

I can email my grandkids in Ohio! Posted by Picasa

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Bill Gates

Man who has been my computer student- Do you know Bill Gates?


Well do you know blah blah?

Well you really should, today is the anniversary of his death. Ask your colleague, I just told him all about it.

So I ask my colleague and he says I don't know, that guy is all excited about something!

Attention Hungry Guy

Attention Hungry Guy yawns 3 times at top volume. Several people look at me, so I walk over there and ask him to keep it down because this should be a quiet place. He says Can I yawn? I can yawn, I am a human being!

Pot of Gold

So who doesn't want to find a pot of gold. The following is a conversation my colleague had with a guy who proved to have a photographic memory with the lens cover super glued on:

There's a woman who died in Kansas named Miss Mary. She said she'd give me her land after she died. But she didn't. See, she never married because she couldn't if you know what I mean (sorry, I don't know or care what you mean). I wanna make sure I didn't come into some large sums of money. She had 200 acres of prime land, dairy farm land. I think she called it Clover Leaf Dairy. I could have something back there with my name. We are the only relatives. All them years (I love that expression), she just loved her diary, been there at 4am milkin 'em. Miss Mary is all I know, well I think her last name was Smith. Yeah, Smith. My dad has 2 brothers, we had all dairy products free... which is bad, er, good, during those times when it was hard to eat. The brothers are Bob and Ed. Ed married Edna; she passed away when she was 87. Clover Leaf Dairy is an airport now. 200 acres of land, whatever, could have been more, could have been less. (This reference question took a good 20 minutes). But then they built an airport there in the last 10 years, but it used to be a golf course someone else owned. He didn't need to work anymore. She gave it to the church. I wonder what happened to all that, she was a very giving person who wouldn't go back on something like this, or at least would have given me a portion...

Colleague- OK, well here is the official website for the county. Maybe they could help you find a contact.

Man- Oh, I know that street. I've even been there. Should I er write that down? It was a golf course, maybe they combined the diary farm. There's a beach band. It's supposed to be everybody knows where it is. Camping, drag racing, they have everything.

And the whole time I'm thinking, what would this guy do if he really did strike it rich? Wouldn't it be great if it were like this all the time?

Haven't seen in a while

I haven't seen the guy who likes the "purple book" as well as the ones by William Glasser. He came today. He asked me to check if he has any books on order or on hold, and he doesn't. So, he had me write it down on a piece of paper: Dave has no books on hold or on order to our library.

Same with the guy who wanted a list of all the sites on Buddhism.

Geeky Tech Guy

Now the tech support guys are here and the geeky tech guy feels he needs to stand over their shoulders while they try to fix the internet. No elbow room. Just glues his eyes to their work. Gives "advice" like have you guys ever used Firefox? Can you log in with all that security? Can you test it now? Thinks he can add something, maybe get a job. I wonder.

I didn't realize until now that the kid looks just like Napoleon Dynamite!

Books on Gambling

I reserved a few books about gambling and roulette for an older woman and she said you are so great honey. Your little fingers always fly. God bless you.

Computer Geek Guy

Can I just recommend something for your hardware? It would be great if you could have a CD drive so we could burn documents.

We do.


One of those days

Today was one of those days when I woke up at 8:08 am, took a shower, ate breakfast, left the house at 8:17 am, and arrived at the liberry at 8:30 on the dot. But, the internets didn't wake up on time... so it was a mostly quiet day, at least so far. Five hours left.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Completely Clueless

One of the principal liberrians paid a visit to our branch to check on the new Literacy Center. Security Guard interrupts to say excuse me, are you affiliated with the library?

We are so famous

Tonight Marian and I had a goodbye party for our colleague who actually gets to move (yes, Mr. Indian Book). We were in a frozen yogurt store taking pictures for squaredcircle when 2 of our YA readers came in and recognized us. I think they are girls who actually read! And yes, this was about 20 miles from our liberry.

how do you

How do you draw an upper case Z and a lower case z?

Thank you

Thank you, oh thank you. God put you in the right place today. Never hurt to say thank you!


Guy calling from across the country wants the phone number and address of a company called Legal Services. No other information. Hello, there are about 500 companies wityh Legal Services in the title: A+ Legal Services, Divorce Legal Services, Senior Citizens Legal Services...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

How to be assertive:

You come from a family of brothers, right?

I said yes, even though I have two sisters.

I can tell because you are very pronounced and you don't let anyone walk on you. You have to be like that in your job, don't you?

Last 20 min

Try to spell hermaphrodite and find books about it in less than 20 minutes!

Top 10

@ your Liberry---

An interesting top 10 liberry list!

Book display

Book display of the month: Authors who died in 2004.

Thanks to overbooked!

Horsing Around

The dad has a list of "call numbers" about horses and asks me to interpret:

C2000 143 pages, illustrated
C1999 126 pages, illustrated

His two sons are horsing around big time. The mom tells them not to hit eachother while she slugs the older son in the chest.


Lady with stuffed animal lobster in her hair: do you have books on Celtic knots?

Yes, and I show her where they are. I say, "isn't that an interesting hair ornament?" She says, "what can I say, I work with kids all day!"

Point to Ponder

"The public library is the most dangerous place in town." John Ciardi

hours and hours

Girl is here for hours and hours spending time on the Michael Jackson fan club site. Wasn't that fan club a thing of the 80's?

Six Year Old

While my colleague was having the conversation about Jimmy Stewart, a six year old asked me-

Do you know God?
Do you go to church?
Do you read the Bible?
So you're 30?

very LOUD man

A man in his 80's, wearing a neckerchief, had the following conversation with my colleague-

(Point of the conversation = to find a bike repair book).

I have one real good bike. Boy when you step on those pedals it has got a gear drive. And boy, you can go up any hill just like that. But I need to fix it. The spokes are out of line.

In fact I know some ladies who live in the same mobile home park as I do. She has been a librarian for years. She is very smart, she can talk two languages. You girls really got it together here, I gotta say that for ya. But I'm not gonna find anything over there that's gonna help me much.

I have some computer parts: a mouse, screen, keyboard, and big tall thing. I gotta get some more stuff. I'm kinda new at it, so... Are you gonna have computer classes here? I went to the other library, the guy was so smart. I could even understand everything he said, almost. That was the best computer class I've ever been to. However, at the other branch, the librarian had such a high pitched voice she was like a squaking chicken (and imitates her).

Ya know, I had a book about repairing gasoline engines for dummies. The best book I've ever seen that helps you with everything. So if they even had that book by accident, I should just ask for the number? I'm a real do it yourselfer guy, and I've been that way all my life. You name it, and I have probably repaired it. (Reminds me of that Liberty Medical Wilford Brimley guy- "check your blood sugar, check it often"). Except for when it comes to washing machines, forget it. I think it is time to buy a new dryer, and maybe a new washing machine.

So, we said everything, didn't we. Thank you friend. Hey, do you think I sound like Jimmy Stewart to you?
(, and who is Jimmy Stewart I'm thinking).
But I can sing just like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin when my throat isn't dry. Remember Dean Martin used to have a song- and starts singing Everybody Loves Somebody.

Why = no one here today?

Because the AC has been fixed.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I feel great

Woman tells me looks like you are losing weight!

Well that makes me feel great!


What does confirm your email mean?

not a service we provide

Will you call the bus station and map out the route I can take?


Security Guard is really addicted to finding patrons in the sex offender database. Apparently one of the offenders is trying to start his own security company.

no deterrent

The AC is out of order today (as well as the black / white printer), but that is no deterrent for people to have a reason to leave this place.

Just like Oscar says, be like a tree and leaf!


Thanks... sorry about that!

Sorry about what?

Not me

Funny guy who wants to buy a car direct from Japan doesn't understand that the person before him didn't log out of yahoo. He thinks it is his account, but doesn't understand any of the messages. But he is hilarious- he just laughs everything away... Haha!


I want to print this in landscape.

Ok, but just like yesterday, the image extends beyond the boundaries of the page. We couldn't get it to work yesterday; today is no different.

Pancho Villa

The woman who likes videos about Pancho Villa, Colorado River, & the Grand Canyon is back. I haven't seen her in a year. Last time I talked to her I took Marian's approach: it's a hot day, isn't it? The woman is unsupervised, and talks forever, asking the same questions over and over.


Will you shrink my resume to just one page without changing the font or cutting out any lines?

Mother & Daughter

Mother & daughter- must read everything by Tim LaHaye as well as Ann Rule. Strange mix.

Going out of business

Once again I'm carrying boxes to the back room and my friend asks me if I am moving. Are you getting rid of the bad books? Are you getting rid of the Indian books? No, never. Are you going out of business? You are a nice lady!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Can you picture that?

The liberry downtown has this program that kicks the people off the computer when their time is up.

That is our dream- it might come true by Christmas!

Day of Missing People

Max peeks through the stacks- Hey Amy, did you see the fireworks? I got a hot dog, no, I mean a hamburger, went to the video store, and then came here but you weren't here.
No, we were closed.
No, not the 4th of July, I came Sunday.
No, I wasn't here Sunday either.


A volunteer shelves the mystery paperbacks sits in a chair (blocking the shortcut to the back office) next to the cart and completely zones out for more than an hour. I think he must really concentrate on the tough decisions of the day.


Mr. I Can't Read has his head on the table. Good thing. I hope I can avoid him... just over 6 hours left.


I have a donation. The front page of newspapers from the past 40 years. They are in 6 crates.
Thanks, but we have those on wonderful microfilm.


Do you have books on how to speak elvish? I just saw them at Borders.
Haven't you seen Lord of the Rings?
No, and just because it was at Borders doesn't imply we will have it.


Can you tell me how I can work this new ipod player? How can I download the free music?


Me- Excuse me ma'am, I need to work this computer.
She doesn't move, so I just start to work on the computer. Then she yells at me- you coulda said excusme, I woulda moved!


Can I borrow your magnifying glass? I can't see crap without my glasses.


Now I'm researching the top ten pipe fitters (of copper) in the city.


Now we need to know how many atoms are in the DNA molecule and how many DNA molecules are in a human.


Two men come looking for books on Andy Warhol. One of them told me the diary wasn't written in the traditional way because it was a collection of phone conversations transcribed after his death. Then they split up- one guy sits by the window and flips through the books; the other one wanders off. The reader comes back and looks for his "little friend with the goatee. This probably isn't a good place to take him since he can't read." The friend showed up 10 minutes later after he came back from having a smoke.


This older woman had to tell me about an autographed copy of a haunted house book that just disappeared. She often goes to the haunted house. She has seen the ghost dressed in period clothing with the cigar. She has also seen his wife / daughter who committed suicide- she is the only one who can smell the lavender perfume. The woman talks on and on- I interrupt and remind her she needs to check those books out before we close. She doesn't care; she tells me about how she has talked to Art Bell himself on the Coast to Coast radio show.


Have you seen my girlfriend? She's been missing 4 hours. The police have a warrant out for her ex's arrest.


Guess what folks? The black and white printer is broken. You need to select the color printer. We can say it 100 times but will still get the complaints- where's my print? I sent it to the black and white printer?


As the 4 year old son licks the counter the dad asks for videos about manners. Sure, we have Slurps, Burps, and Spills just for you!


Security Guard found another sex offender in the database. This guy is not one I recognize, but is apparently one of the volunteers in the Friends of the Liberry bookstore. Nice.


Can you print this for me? It didn't get sent to the black and white printer?
Okay, it will be fifteen cents.
Lord, Jesus, it really is not fair (and tells everyone on her way out).

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Psycho Saturday

Porn to Precalc guy brings me the algebra book & shows me the problem he was telling me about yesterday. (However, I don't remember the conversation).
Internet user walks twenty feet away and waves Thanks, have a good day!
95% of the kids I ask to join the FREE summer reading program say that's ok or let me ask my mom and never return. I know that if I offered them a free game of Xbox or another video game they wouldn't need permission.
The copy machine doesn't work; I can't understand the instructions. My colleague goes over to turn it on. The old man is copying pictures of girls in bikinis. Classy.
My fan whom I can't stand mills around the desk and says - Hey Amy, Happy 4th of July!
Mom- I'm just grasping at straws right now. My 15 year old son dropped out of school. Will you call him? His name is Adam. Tell him he needs to come to the library.
Me- That's not really a service we provide.
Mom- Please.
Me- Ok, fine.
Adam- Yello?
Me- Is Adam there? This is Amy from the library. I'm calling because I'm talking to your mom right now, and if you would like to come into the library tomorrow sometime between 1 and 5 I can help you find something interesting to read.
Adam- Whatever.
Mom- Call him back and nail him for a time.
Mom- Oh comeon. With God's help and your help may you guide the boy to take a turn.
Old Lady- Do you have that movie called Heavenly Creatures? It's about Anne Perry, an author. In her early days she thought she was a lesbian and she murdered someone. Can you imagine that?
Sex offender guy came in today. The tech staff said he always prints out pictures of wizards. Why can't he joust read?
We're looking for pictures of Angel Gabriel for a woman to use as a stained glass pattern for her church. I find one image that she doesn't like: that looks like Fabian, doesn't it?
Hi, I just brought in this neophite- can you show us how to work your computer system?
Woman calls and asks me to look up the information about a small obscure company. I can't find it. So then she asks me for a list of all the professional hockey teams in America and who the owners are. Contact info too. She said it might be related to the previous question. Okie dokie.
I want information about taking the citizenship exam. My kids are already citizens. I fix boats. I want a boat (but I think he meant vote). Never is late!

Friday, July 01, 2005

Dumbing Down

Book Posted by Picasa

This represents the dumbing down of America. Patrons today wouldn't understand the term arrears. And wow, the fine went from 2 to 5 to 25 cents!

Finally Friday

I get to work tomorrow, but it is still Finally Friday in my book.

Porn to Precalc guy came in with a girlfriend who was looking for the book Raj as well as a guide to speak Persian and Hindi. Then she left and he went online all day.

----- guy needs help with the volume.

Woman comes in wearing white spandex and fluffy grey leggings. 20 years ago she would have been in style.

"My hotmail won't work" times twenty.

Bus routes for the fare only.
Translation: How do I take the bus to the local fair?

Porn to Precalc guy has had waaaaaaaay more than 30 minutes. Since he is snoozing to the tunes, I tug his headphone to get his attention. Sort of creative.

Security guard alerted us to the guy sitting @ computer #1- his picture is listed in the sex offender gallery. What a nice crowd.

Girl who cheats on the summer reading to get an extra pencil: Wow, how do you guys know all those numbers?
We are here every day.
Oh, so do you ever get vacations and stuff?
No, never.

Man tells me the story about how his wife was arrested for stealing a $3.99 lipstick. The cops broke her arm. He is going to be a millionaire.