Perfect Comments

Next time I'm working the ref desk and the customer starts babbling, I wish I could say either--

• You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! (Trains, Planes, & Automobiles).
• What do you want me to do, clap? (my Grandfather's line)
  

Actually, I could use this line next time I'm sitting next to a Chatty Cathy on a plane too.